a love/hate relationship

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job sagas, part one.

When I get an email saying, Thank you for your interest, but we are pursuing other candidates for the position you applied for, I don’t know whether to burst into laughter or tears. Yesterday morning I thought the group interview, consisting of me and another woman named Betsy, went well. After an hour’s worth of questions, talking and sharing, I left with a spring in my step. I was standing taller, all because I thought I had a job at an athletic retail store. This morning the store held a free yoga class, and while most of me wanted to sleep in, the part of me that wanted a job said, Hey, get up! Do yoga and let them see your face again. The class was challenging, but I felt the whole time at peace with my body, at peace with my surroundings, at peace with me. During corpse pose I actually let my mind go and did corpse pose (maybe for the first time ever). I thought of nothing, I felt my body, I sunk and melted and flowed.

So, just three hours after the yoga class, the store has already decided to pursue other candidates. Sort of insulting, considering during the interview they mentioned having two full time and one part time position open. As I closed the email, I remember what a lump-in-the-throat felt like. I know I’m emotional because of my period, but that little girl inside me is feeling so small. In an effort to not fray like an old sweater, I go to the kitchen, roll up my sleeves and begin washing the massive amount of dirty dishes.

Jessica A says: You can’t even get a job in retail. Retail’s where you have the most experience, and you can’t even land one of three available jobs in a dumb retail store. They don’t even want you to fold clothes, chat with customers. They would rather pursue other options. Other people are more pursued than you.

Jessica B says: It’s only retail. You want something you can pour your heart into, something that you love doing. You’ve done retail. It’s a job. You want a career. You can have a career! This is a new city, a new state, a new start. Be what you want. Do what you want.

Jessica A: What are you going to do? Rent is in due in four days. And look at you, getting excited about not being completely broke. You thought for a second you’d have some dollars to put away, you’d watch your savings account rise, and if you wanted a new shirt, you’d buy it, no problem. You thought you’d have coworkers to talk to, someone to suppress your growing need for an imaginary friend. Lousy. You’re lousy.

Jessica B: Hug yourself. Keep your chin up. Do the dishes. Be a goddamn grownup. You’re the one that wanted to be an English major. You liked it, right? Well, keep trying, you’ll get a job. You’ll get a career you’re over the moon about. Keep flowing your good energy out, out, and it will come back to you, shining like a new coin.

Jessica A: What’s next, food service? People gotta eat. Someone’s gotta give it to them.

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How am I not myself?

“How am I not myself?”

– I Heart Huckabees

Sometimes I don’t feel like myself and I look down
and I don’t look like myself. If only I could get away
from myself for just a minute or two. Let me
shelf that thought to bring up this one:

What if we could crawl out of ourselves and into
each other, then we would still be selves just not
our selves, and then we could look at our selves
from another self. This wouldn’t be the same as

looking in a mirror. It would be a peek at yourself
from outside yourself. You could see how your edges
curve away and into space, and you could see
how alone and how together we all are, always.